It's out here in the countryside that I come up with some of my best ideas. Over there beneath the lightning tree I was caught in a freak storm. Of course, I immediately lay down in the field to make sure I was not the path of least resistance should lightning decide to strike. And it was there whilst spreadeagled in the field, beneath the rain, wet but warm and safe, that I came up with the idea of league tables for lollipop ladies.
On further investigation I was shocked to discover that anyone who is not a registered sex offender can become a lollipop lady. Even men. The only people who should be able to command a vehicle to stop should be the Army in times of national emergency and traffic lights - and yet we're handing this power over to people who are little more than retired dinner-ladies. It has to improve, or stop.
- Alan Partridge, 'Alan Partridge: Welcome to the Places of My Life', 2012
Comedy: 'You can actually hear the woman wuthering', 6 August 2013
Comedy: 'I'm leaning towards Colossal Velocity', 18 March 2013
Blog: Norwich, 19 February 2009